Another year, another anniversary. 23 and going strong. Hold your breath and make a wish because things are going our way. Ups and downs are the norm for us but it seems like we are on a good run. Two things… One we keep the Lord center in our lives and two stay focused on us and our family… Love you babe! Happy 23rd. Growing old with you is my pleasure, and I'm looking forward to another 23…. How cute are we going to be sitting on the porch of our beach house in our rocking chairs complaining that the kids and grandkids don't visit… It will be here before we know it but let's enjoy the ride as we go….

 2/7/23

Today someone mentioned Zingers which was all it took for a flood of memories to drown my thoughts with recollections of my Pepaw, Lawrence Frederick Collins. Pepaw was a route manager for Dolly Madison, the creator of the Zinger snack cake. When I was a single digit kid there was no shortage of Dolly Madison snack cakes in our house, Zingers included. The memories I have of my Pepaw are extensive but one of my fondest is going into grocery stores with him when I was a kid and how much he would embarrass me. He would seek out the largest, usually, African American female cashiers he could find and proceed to flirt like a professional. Looking back on this, watching my Pepaw flirt was similar to watching Michael Jordan play basketball, he was exceedingly good at it. He would use terms of endearment with these women who at the beginning of the exchange were not endeared to him but by the end of the exchange they appeared to be completely smitten with him. The irony in this is how badly he embarrassed me as a child, you would think I would abhor that type of behavior as an adult but in fact the contrary is true. I find myself, the older I get, using keywords such as “Honey”, “Sweetie” and “Sugar” when addressing female service workers. I truly have no control over this phenomenon and remember being confused and surprised the first time this happened. The unfortunate side to this is in this day and time, more often than not, this type of interaction is inaccurately perceived as demeaning with a touch of condescension, or perhaps I just don’t have the level of charisma that Pepaw had. On the other hand, maybe I just haven’t actually reached the age where I can get away with it. It’s a funny thing as you get older. You start thinking about the people who raised you both living and passed; all the parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and even great grandparents. Then you start remembering all of their idiosyncrasies and habits by recognizing them in yourself. If I were to make a pie chart of which relative is responsible for which percentage of my personality, my pepaw would own a large chunk. I loved my pepaw very much and wish he were still here, he left a big void when he passed. It is my sincerest hope that 20 years after I pass, my grandkids remember me as fondly as I remember my pepaw.

 2/9/23

When I was around 13 and my parents were comfortable enough to allow me to mow without supervision that became my job. I guess you could say that was my first of many jobs. It wasn’t long before I was mowing my yard, our neighbors yard and my granddaddy Bill’s yard. Then I started working with another guy who would do the mowing for 50 percent of the money which freed me up to go door to door finding more yards to mow. Between the two of us we were responsible for about 6 yards. Our arrangement didn’t last for the summer though. My partner got tired of doing most of the physical work while I sold the service and dissolved our partnership. We agreed I would keep 3 of our yards and he would keep the others. I mowed these yards until around the time I turned 16 and went to work at McDonalds for my first official job. I learned a lot at McDonalds. I learned how to work as a part of a team, negotiating all the different personalities that exist in any workplace. I also learned how to speak to customers and exchange goods and services for money. One other skill I picked up at McDonalds was how to sweep and mop. These skills have all been utilized in my life and all the other jobs and in my personal life. Working at McDonald’s was a really great experience for me and I have very fond memories of that time. I worked there until I was 17 or so when I got my dream job, at least my dream job for my teenage years, working at the movie theatre. This was roughly around 1988 or 89. During the two years I worked there I saw every single movie that came out and in many cases saw them multiple times. I loved working there, being in the center of the social scene in our small town. If the theater manager would not have fired me I would have worked there for the rest of my life. I still remember going to my manager and telling him when I graduate high school I wanted to go full time and work my way into management. I had a coworker at the theater who was about my age and started shortly after I did. She was a sweet girl with a touch of social anxiety, kind of awkward and quiet. I worked with her and trained her to work the counter. She was a decent employee and moved up quickly being promoted to selling tickets even though honestly, there were superior candidates. Being a better employee makes no difference at all when you are up against the theater manager's daughter for a promotion. My completely average trainee was the boss's daughter. For most of my life I have believed that I lost my dream job trying to move into management because that was the career path he had in mind for his daughter. I truly believed I had been victimized by minimum wage nepotism but as I have age has grown so has my perspective. I now realize that my old manager saw something in me. I believe that he recognized greatness in me that could never be fully realized in the dead end, no future employment penal institution of the movie theater, so he nudged me out of the nest and onto my destiny. It was three years before I showed my face in that movie house.

 2/14/23

Rebecca and I recently celebrated our 30th anniversary which came shortly after my 50th birthday. I have never been great at math but even I can figure out that I have been married most of my life. We have quite literally grown up together. I can still remember vividly the first time I saw her and in many ways that was the day I stopped being a child and became a man, because that was the day I stopped putting myself first and prioritized her needs above my own. Today is Valentine’s Day which is a big deal to many but not so much for us. We used to stress ourselves out trying to go out and fight the crowd eating out or going to the movies but after about the first five or so years we threw in the towel and gave up V-day celebrations. The last attempt I recall we went to about three restaurants that had 2-3 hour waits. I still remember looking at Rebecca and she looked back at me, she then asked if I just wanted to go to McDonald’s to which I responded thank you. There was one other attempt in the last 10 years. I was going to surprise my beloved by sending flowers to her work. People who know us would all agree she is the “responsible one” which means she handles the finances. 15 minutes after I placed the order for her flowers I got an angry phone call from her wanting to know who I was sending flowers to. After I asked her if she got an alert every time I used my debit card (which would be a reasonable thing for her to do) I explained to her that she was the person I was sending flowers to which made her feel horrible for ruining the surprise. So yeah, we don’t go crazy for Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is only one of 365 days that make up a whole year. One of the things in my life that I take the most pride in is my relationship with my wife and that after 30 years I still want to celebrate our love the entire year and not just one day. Happy Valentine’s Day everyone- don’t stress yourselves out celebrating, just enjoy loving either the person you’re with or just loving the people in your life.

    Bywater Adventures

Part 1

Vala stood on the banks of Bywater scanning the water for any signs of danger. Her trusted travelling companion Yendor was perched on her shoulders playing in her hair. Being that Vala was a Half Orc and Yendor was a Forest Gnome she barely noticed he was there until he pulled her hair a little too roughly. She briefly reminisced how much Bywater had changed over the last two years. Back then Bywater was such a lovely little place, a literal hub of activity with people coming and going, the gold flowed freely, life was good. Then on that fateful night as most people were asleep in their bunks, a flaming ball that could only be described as a star fell from the sky, splitting in two just before splashing into the sea. Ever since that fateful night people stopped travelling and the money dried up. Times were hard for everyone, but times were especially hard for Vala, Yendor and their travelling companions. They relied solely on their wits and all their opportunities vanished overnight.

Yala turned away from the shore to face her other companions. Almodus the Human Wizard approached. He smiled at Vala and asked if she was thinking about the star, and she grunted in approval. Glancing up at Yendor he looked back at Vala and said, “I don’t know how you tolerate that little trouble- maker” she replied, “He’s no trouble”. Yendor noticed the exchange and grinned at Almondus saying “You know you love me”. While they spoke a man that could only be described as a 7-foot-tall human giant splashing in the water yelled at the group “Gronk hungry- Gronk need food”. The friends knew that when Gronk was hungry it was best to provide him with food as fast as possible, as he was for lack of better phrasing prone to fits of rage. As they all simultaneously reached in their pouches to look for something edible, they noticed an unnatural movement in the water 20 feet from the shore. As it got closer, they noticed it was Eye their Lizardfolk companion swimming towards them. As he reached the shore it was apparent, he had a large fish in his mouth and another two, one in each hand. He tossed one to Gronk. Wasting no time Gronk violently devoured the fish. Eye walked out of the water and handed the other fish to Vala and said, “This should be enough for you three”. Vala delicately placed the fish in her pouch for later observing admirably as Gronk was finished his fish whole and uncooked. Vala was a Half Orc, while the Orc in her wanted to follow suit and eat the fish whole, in most cases she attempted to embrace her human side.

Work was hard to come by and the group entertained any job that came their way, and they all made their way back to the caravan they had agreed to escort to the town of Bywater. Their employer was a merchant farmer who was heading to town to sell his recent crop. The money was not great, but it was better than nothing. As the group sped up to catchup with the caravan, they noticed a tree that had fallen over the road. Yendor jumped off Vala’s shoulder climbing on to the top of the lead wagon. Vala and Gronk walked toward the tree in front of the lead wagon to attempt to move the tree. As they got closer to the tree, they noticed 4 human men walking out from behind the tree. Each of them had swords and did not look friendly. Eye and Almondus were in the rear of the caravan when a noise behind them alerted them to turn around. They saw another three human males approaching from the rear. 

In the front of the group Gronk and Vala prepared for action when a small arrow whizzed between them striking the far-left bandit squarely in the crotch and he fell over in pain. Gronk and Vala heard Yendor giggling behind them. Gronk approached the bandit beside the one screaming in pain swinging his staff over his head, after he swung it three times above his head as he yelled “Gronk casts Sleep” and just before smashing him in the head the bandit gave a confused look, before falling to the side. Vala reached in her pouch as the third bandit slowed his approach in anticipation, when he saw her pull out a wooden flute, he laughingly continued toward her. Vala fumbled and dropped her flute on the ground as the bandit slashed at her slicing her arm. At this point the fourth bandit approached and received an arrow in his hip as Gronk smashed the third bandit that sliced Vala in the gut knocking the air out of him and likely smashing a few ribs. The last of the bandits noticing his three companions had all been incapacitated turned to run, but Vala grabbed him by the collar spinning him around towards Gronk yelling “Gronk casts Fistol Cuffs” repeatedly punching him in the face until he ceased moving. 

As this is happening in the front of the caravan, in the rear of the caravan Eye began moving toward the three bandits. He glanced to his right where Almondus was standing but he wasn’t there anymore. He turned to see where he went and noticed Almondus retreating to the wagon, scurrying under the wagon for cover. He shrugged with a smile on his face and thought to himself, “More rations for me” as he bared his teeth continuing toward the bandits. Eye pulled out his blood-stained short sword and swung it full force at the first bandit making contact diagonally across his chest, at the exact same time another small arrow struck the second bandit square in the belly. Eye made a mental note to thank Yendor later for the assist. Times like this made Eye grateful he never made a snack of the little Gnome, no matter how much of a pest he could be, he always seemed to make himself useful. Eye could hear Almondus muttering some words and noticed the third bandit began to yawn and slowed his approach. Apparently, he was attempting to atone for leaving his side before the engagement began by casting a sleep spell. It was only partially effective though and the bandit swung his sword nicking Eye’s shoulder. It did little more than enrage the lizard man. Eye dropped his sword and dove at the third bandit biting at him. He was aiming for his face but between the bandit’s grogginess and his fearful retreat Eye instead latched on to his crotch. The second bandit screamed in terror as another arrow zinged through the air finding a home in his face. Gronk and Vala approached with Yendor jumping on Vala’s back as they passed. When they arrived at the scene Yendor was nearly sick when he saw Eye making a meal of the third bandit. Vala looked at the second bandit with the arrow in his stomach and asked “What about him” to which Yendor replied he will pass soon enough. Gronk grunted and said, “Me put him to sleep” and he walked over to the second bandit- he swung his staff three times in the air and again yelled “Gronk casts sleep” and brought his staff down crushing his skull. Yendor whispered in Vala’s ear “After all this time I still think its funny Gronk thinks he’s a wizard” to which Vala replied “He may yet surprise us all one day”. Vala scanned the horizon and asked, “Where is Almondus?” Yendor having the best viewpoint on Vala’s shoulders finally spotted him still under the wagon fumbling with his spell components nervously. Vala tapped Eye on the back and said, “Eye we need to hasten things up and get moving” Eye glanced at Vala side eyed and said, “I am finishing this guy off”. 

The ragged band quickly searched the corpses and found little to nothing of value. Gronk proclaimed how peaceful they all looked sleeping the day away. The merchant who had been hiding inside his carriage emerged to survey the carnage and proclaimed in a disgusted manner, “Why did you all attack their groins?” Yendor gleefully responded, “That’s why we are called The Crotch Goblins” Vala was quick to correct him saying, “No one calls us that” to which Yendor replied, “Not yet they don’t, but they will” with a big, crooked smile on his face. The merchant switched his mood to business and said, “Can someone please tell the lizard to stop chopping off body parts for road snacks so we can make it to Bywater before the sun goes down.” After Vala and Gronk teamed up to finish the task of moving the tree the group continued their journey leaving what was left of the bandits to the buzzards.

 A lot can happen in 19 years. In 19 years I have fathered 3 children, had a total of more than 10 jobs, and owned about 8 different automobiles. I have been well and I have been sick. I have been on more numerous vacations than I can count. I have experienced more joy than I deserved and have lived through more pain than I would have ever believed I could bear. I have laughed, cried, and been numb, sometimes in the same day. I have been involved in some of the greatest parties possible: birthdays, holidays, graduations, and many more. Looking back, not much has stayed the same. People have not stopped growing or aging, and the world changes never cease to surprise me. One of the few constants in my life has been my wife Rebecca Fortner who 19 years ago today said “I do”  to being my wife, and it has been my privilege to share the last 19 years on this planet with her. The only thing I can say is, where did the time go.... 19 years sounds like a long time, but it sure went by quick. I love you Rebecca.

 2/8/23

I have never met anyone with a photographic memory. I have met some people that claim they do- but those people have never given me a reason to believe it. I think it would be a pretty amazing gift to have a photographic memory and have the ability to recall everything that ever happened to you with perfect clarity. With all of my efforts I try to recall my childhood but the things I think I remember are practically shadows, barely visible. One of these shadow memories I have involves my Uncle Freddy who was my mother’s older brother. I recall one time when I was a single digit kid when Freddy came by. We lived in a small house at the top of a small hill and this had to be a summer day because I remember being in shorts and not having any shoes on, not unlike any other child, boy or girl, in the summer especially in the south. On this particular day Freddy had a Doberman Pinscher with him. I am not sure if this was his dog or if he was watching it for a friend but I remember having a very strong desire to hold the leash of this dog, likely due to my life long love of animals. I remember begging my mom and uncle to let me hold the leash but they would not allow it. When they finally relented and permitted me to hold the leash I was dragged down the hill by the dog with my mother and my uncle chasing after us to try to get ahold of me, the leash or the dog which they eventually did. The funny thing about this memory is that in my mind the hill that I got dragged down was at least a mile long with gravel and pavement. Recently on a trip down memory lane we drove by the old homestead and my memories were confirmed as inaccurate. The hill could barely be classified as such and it was not even close to a mile. Funny how big things when you are small decrease exponentially as your age increases. Recalling these events make me realize how convenient it would be to have a photographic memory, however I would be curious if total recall would affect my recollection of the hard times. The deaths and the job losses and the sickness- it’s not so bad to not be able to remember those in great detail. I enjoy my poor memory dulling those moments, even though they are part of the forgery forming the metal of who I am and have led me to the people that are in my life. I like to believe the person I am is worthy of the people in my life and the life we all share.