Shadow Memories

I have never met anyone with a photographic memory. I have met some people that claim they do- but those people have never given me a reason to believe it. I think it would be a pretty amazing gift to have a photographic memory and have the ability to recall everything that ever happened to you with perfect clarity. With all of my efforts I try to recall my childhood but the things I think I remember are practically shadows, barely visible. One of these shadow memories I have involves my Uncle Freddy who was my mother’s older brother. I recall one time when I was a single digit kid when Freddy came by. We lived in a small house at the top of a small hill and this had to be a summer day because I remember being in shorts and not having any shoes on, not unlike any other child, boy or girl, in the summer especially in the south. On this particular day Freddy had a Doberman Pinscher with him. I am not sure if this was his dog or if he was watching it for a friend but I remember having a very strong desire to hold the leash of this dog, likely due to my life long love of animals. I remember begging my mom and uncle to let me hold the leash but they would not allow it. When they finally relented and permitted me to hold the leash I was dragged down the hill by the dog with my mother and my uncle chasing after us to try to get ahold of me, the leash or the dog which they eventually did. The funny thing about this memory is that in my mind the hill that I got dragged down was at least a mile long with gravel and pavement. Recently on a trip down memory lane we drove by the old homestead and my memories were confirmed as inaccurate. The hill could barely be classified as such and it was not even close to a mile. Funny how big things when you are small decrease exponentially as your age increases. Recalling these events make me realize how convenient it would be to have a photographic memory, however I would be curious if total recall would affect my recollection of the hard times. The deaths and the job losses and the sickness- it’s not so bad to not be able to remember those in great detail. I enjoy my poor memory dulling those moments, even though they are part of the forgery forming the metal of who I am and have led me to the people that are in my life. I like to believe the person I am is worthy of the people in my life and the life we all share. 

Floodwater Thoughts

2/7/23

Today someone mentioned Zingers which was all it took for a flood of memories to drown my thoughts with recollections of my Pepaw, Lawrence Frederick Collins. Pepaw was a route manager for Dolly Madison, the creator of the Zinger snack cake. When I was a single digit kid there was no shortage of Dolly Madison snack cakes in our house, Zingers included. The memories I have of my Pepaw are extensive but one of my fondest is going into grocery stores with him when I was a kid and how much he would embarrass me. He would seek out the largest, usually, African American female cashiers he could find and proceed to flirt like a professional. Looking back on this, watching my Pepaw flirt was similar to watching Michael Jordan play basketball, he was exceedingly good at it. He would use terms of endearment with these women who at the beginning of the exchange were not endeared to him but by the end of the exchange they appeared to be completely smitten with him. The irony in this is how badly he embarrassed me as a child, you would think I would abhor that type of behavior as an adult but in fact the contrary is true. I find myself, the older I get, using keywords such as “Honey”, “Sweetie” and “Sugar” when addressing female service workers. I truly have no control over this phenomenon and remember being confused and surprised the first time this happened. The unfortunate side to this is in this day and time, more often than not, this type of interaction is inaccurately perceived as demeaning with a touch of condescension, or perhaps I just don’t have the level of charisma that Pepaw had. On the other hand, maybe I just haven’t actually reached the age where I can get away with it. It’s a funny thing as you get older. You start thinking about the people who raised you both living and passed; all the parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents and even great grandparents. Then you start remembering all of their idiosyncrasies and habits by recognizing them in yourself. If I were to make a pie chart of which relative is responsible for which percentage of my personality, my pepaw would own a large chunk. I loved my pepaw very much and wish he were still here, he left a big void when he passed. It is my sincerest hope that 20 years after I pass, my grandkids remember me as fondly as I remember my pepaw.